Disclaimer: These are the thoughts from a broken heart. I do not know how long this post will exist, or what I will change. But today I just have to write something, anything, and if you read my messy thoughts - you may just understand why.
These are the thoughts from my broken heart.
Have I hit rockbottom or a trapdoor?
I believe that that we have a tendency to lower our standards and values for the people we care about. I have recently come to my own unpopular conclusion that in the name of ‘love’, is when we have to be especially vigorous in keeping our values and standards for the happiness of ourselves and, ultimately, others. And we have to share those standards with the people we love.
It is easy to let things slide for people you care about. It is easy to lose sight of your core values, accept things we would not normally accept in terms of what they say, how they treat us and how we chose to respond. It is easy to forgive, and easy to forget – and when we forget, we do not learn. The mistakes repeat – and the definition of a crazy person is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different outcome.
My first relationship lasted one and a half years. My second relationship lasted three years (from this one, I got my wonderful son, Maximus!). My third relationship lasted three years. And I’d lie if I said I’m not still healing, grieving, recovering and thinking of trying yet again – because my god, I am a tryer.
The breakup happened 6 weeks ago today. I have cried, broken down, and tried to stay busy. Mostly, I try to stay busy. Mainly because I like to be productive, and crying is usually a last resort with consequences. If I cry, I cry a lot. A lot. To the point where I will have a headache for days. I cannot stsnd the painful eyeballs, scratchy throat, throbbing head and brain-fog. The brain-fog is the worst, especially when my mind craves clarity and answers. And so does my heart.
So usually, I just smile. Positivity does far more for me no matter how hard things get – but I am also 27, have been through this before, and learned a thing or two. That doesn’t mean that I am finding it easier than the first time. I am finding it very hard. I am finding life very hard.
2019 has been a tough year, to the point where it has led me to currently be jobless, homeless (living on my beautiful friend’s comfy sofa!), skint to the point of bankruptcy all whilst trying to pick up the pieces of my heartbreak, unravel the knots in my mind from this relationship and find clarity… and have enough hours in the day to dedicate to solving these very pressing issues. I swiftly made the realisation there is not enough hours in the day – so I take the hours out of the night. I cannot remember last time I had a good sleep, perhaps 2 months ago during my travels in Sweden?
So what do I do during the day? I smile. I smile a lot. I also drink coffee. Alot of coffee. These are the two things that will definitely keep me getting through today, because I know from experience that all I have to do is put some distance between the issues, start with today so that tomorrow I can have a new Today. I trust that my mind will find a solution if I stop fighting it, and accept that the solution isn’t here right now (or I wouldn’t be in this situation!), but that every issue is in fact figureoutable, and I am trusting my mind to get to the solution whilst being fully supportive of myself by giving myself the time to do so.
Giving myself the Time is the hardest part. Especially since every other day my stomach cramps and my flight response kicks in. I have made it 6 weeks. And contrary to what I thought 6 weeks ago, I am still alive. I am still standing – I smile a little more every day. I also cry a little less every day.
Am I crazy?
Each one of my relationships had a break or a breakup (or two!) over the years they lasted, but they always came with changing minds – and I would give myself and the other person involved an A* for effort, but the stories continue, as humans we are bound to keep growing but not always together, and our individual growth come from our experiences and what we learn along the way. I believe that each person I meet are meant to be in my life, that our paths have meant to cross, and when the time comes for us to connect, re-connect or part ways, I am often thankful for the experience – but I would lie if I say that each and every one of my breakups haven’t been the hardest thing I have ever experiences at that very point in my life. My breaking point. But I also believe that life has a way of mostly giving us only that of what we can handle – yes it’s pretty darn tough sometimes, but you are stronger than you know and ones this time has passed you will see that with your own eyes too, because there will be sunshine again.
But back to these relationships of mine, they have always ended due to some form of being unhappy. I am unhappy with this other person. But if I dig deeper, I am actually unhappy within myself. I have often found myself in very difficult circumstances, mostly I’ve been told that it’s due to my ever lasting ability to never being able to say No. But I am working that since I realised that it’s often some part of me becoming unhappy within myself.
So, I realised that I had to become happy in myself, because I wasn’t happy at all.
Am I making any sense?
When I found myself alone, I craved feeling happiness so much but ultimately the one and only feeling that persisted was loneliness. So I surround myself with people and people’s problems, smile and ignore my own. And lose a little bit of the respect and love for myself.
These days I firmly believe that you cannot truly love someone if you do not first love yourself. No, I don’t mean that you are uncapable of loving another person, or that your love for another isn’t real – but I do mean to say that to be able to give that love honestly and truly, instead of perhaps also giving away tiny pieces of yourself, you need to know exactly where inside you that love is coming from and have a clear distinction as to what it is you are really giving them – support, belief, strength – without the sacrificing of your own personal values, boundaries and mindset.
I guess what I really want to say by writing this post, is So, what should I do?
Don’t worry, it may be what I want to say because it is the one question resounding in my head every minute of every day – but the only thing I know for sure is that you may have an opinion to provide, a clarifying experience, or a new perspective, or perhaps even words of wisdom, but yes, the only thing I know with every inch of my body is that I am the only one who can come up with an answer. And as much as I want the decision to be made for me, to have someone else take the reins for a while, for my brain, my soul and my heart to go on a staycation long enough for everything else around me to change; I am the only one who can find my answers. I have to be the one to get myself through this, be willing to perhaps accept a helping hand – but even more willing to live through it.
And life only gives us what we can handle. Mostly. And we may not be the strongest, but we are strong enough to get through this and become stronger as a result of this.
All I have to do is believe this. And get through today, because today is a beautiful day to be alive.